Not That You Need an Excuse to Drink, But…

…Just in case, here is my excuse for every day of the week.  

Monday: Drink on Monday to cope with thoughts of dismal onslaught.  You have a whole work week ahead of you, and your head feels like it’s going to explode (or maybe implode) from your back-to-back weekend hangovers.  To top it off, you never got caught up on work from last week, or the week before, and you might as well drink youself into a stupor to preserve your sanity.  Monday drinkers are escapists of the worst kind, and often warm vodka or mouthwash.

 Tuesday: Drink on Tuesday not only to hold off the anguish of the majority of the work week still looming over you, but also to give yourself a respite from time already served in the trenches.  Come on, you’ve worked two full days.  If that’s not bad enough, you’re not even halfway there.  Tuesday drinkers drink from sheer depression, and often drown their sorrows straight from a bottle of anything hard.

Wednesday: This one was bequeathed to me by my dad.  Wednesday is what is known as “hump day.”  I always found this title odd, but the principle is sound.  You are halfway there.  By the end of the day, you’ve made it over the hump.  The end is in sight!  Is there a better reason to celebrate?  You’re not exactly coasting yet, but it is downhill from here on in.  Wednesday drinkers are logicians, and like to hit up the longest and cheapest happy hour for martinis.

Thursday: This one was also bequeathed by my dad.  Thursday is a brilliant day to drink, because you really are almost there.  As my dad explained, you can always make it through one more day of work, hangover or not.  Thursday drinkers are dreamers, and are likely to order rounds of expensive shots for the whole bar.

 Friday: The most compulsory drinking day.  You’ve made it.  You survived another week.  The entire weekend awaits!  So you plan to reward yourself.  Frankly, you plan to get loaded.  Friday drinkers are eternal optimists, and often drink stiff margaritas with shots of cheap tequila on the side, although anything that delivers booze into the gut quickly will do. 

Saturday: Exquisite Saturday.  The day you have nothing to do from sunup to sundown, other than indulge your every fancy.  Sleep in.  Watch cartoons.  Order pizza and watch the hockey game.  And of course, get shitcanned.  Saturday drinkers are brazen hedonists.  They are usually insubordinant and disorganized.  Not surprisingly, they are often Irish or Scottish.  Therefore, scotch or whiskey is always in order.

Sunday: Sunday drinking is driven by a few different motives, namely: piety; an attempt to squelch Saturday’s fierce hangover; angst over the looming workweek.  Sunday drinkers are varied, but they are usually stylishly laissez-faire, or else they are simply too nauseous, woozy, and worn out from Saturday to possess any distinctive personality traits.  Whether it’s for reasons of piety or greenness around the gills, beer and wine are appropriate choices, not only because they have religious tie-ins, but because they give the impression of being easier on the stomach after a week of inexcusable drinking.

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