“But if you had regular hands, you’d be like everyone else.”
Over the weekend, I admit with a gleeful mixture of shame and pride that I played Edward Fortyhands. Edward Fortyhands consists of taping (yes, taping) 40s of beer to each hand and making a fool of yourself while you proceed to get trashed. I thought it was a joke until my friends showed up with several 40s and a gigantic role of duct tape. Hmm. Well…our penchant for enterprise won out, and we submitted to having freezing cold, heavy 40s taped to each of our hands.
I’ve rarely had that much fun drinking. It was hysterical!! To add to the adventure and confusion, we dubbed each other with nicknames (most too vulgar to list here) and banned the use of our real names for the evening. The use of real names was punished by everyone having to drink, and at the beginning of the night when real names flew from mouths liberally, it was not much fun. It did, however, demonstrate the potential for quick and efficient classical conditioning through negative reinforcement. One among us remained sober, and was accordingly not affixed to any 40s. Lucky for us, he did not exploit his distinguishing guardianship by doing anything like abandoning us while still taped to our 40s. Ha! That would have been funny though.
I highly recommend this pastime to all swashbucklers. A few tips…tape wrists as well as hands for extra support. If you are hairy (e.g. if you sport XY chromosomes), try taping yourself with medical tape first, then duct tape, as this is less likely to lead to plucked hairs. (We had no problems, but perhaps because only XX individuals were taped.) Make sure you are amongst friends, as going to the bathroom requires profound trust. Deciding to don pajama bottoms before drinking was one of the few intelligent thoughts of the night. If you don’t drink fast enough and your second beer is warm by the time you quaff the first one, live with it and drink faster next time.