Mainline Overboard

Things have to change.  I’m running out of options.  I’m exhausted.  I’m on the verge of losing my job, and I’m not exactly in a good place to get hired again.  If I lose my job, I can’t see how anything will ever be okay again.  I’m slipping fast at the moment, and this slump seems impossible to surface from.  It’s not as bad as at times in the past, but the difference is that my ability to handle it seems shot.  Lately I feel so empty.  I’m not sad or unhappy; just rundown.  Things are spiraling out of control, and I know I will only get so many close calls and second chances before that well runs dry.  I’m fucking up.

I need to get a grip.  Set a goal, or something.  Maybe by the end of October.  It really sucks doing this on my own, but I got myself here on my own, so tough.  Last time I tried to set a goal, it practically did me in.  I was given the biggest second chance anyone can be given.  If I fuck that up, I am inexcusably worthless and terrible.

I am tired.  I desperately want to change.  I’m not giving up hope that I will be able to.

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Filed under Drinking, Drugs, My Life

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