Carving Out

I will carve out my perfection.  Until now, I have been stagnant, idle, indulgent.  My willpower has been bested by weakness.  I desire perfection.  Pure, empty, clean, carved-out perfection.  I have a vision that permeates my thoughts.  Accomplishing it will take flawless persistence and discipline.  Self-control is systematic; neglect leads to atrophy.  I have decayed to the point of ineffectiveness.  Now is the time to strengthen it once again.

I will carve out a space for myself in this molecular realm.  The more I subtract, the more complete I will become.  AI will don an armor of my own creation as impenetrable as steel, as translucent as water, as light as air.  This armor shall keep and sustain me wherever I go.  Our world believes materialism and accumulation to be the highest good.  Use, take, do.  It does not reward abstinence.  It does not always know the sweet fulfillment or richness that comes when lucid clarity infuses the mind.  Basic and primitive forces cage us.  The result is that we are weighed down, unable to travel through life as we please, awkward in living.  We become prisoners of our own ineffectiveness.  Our intemperance is exposed by way of burdened captivity.  I wear invisible chains, molecular restraints.  I will once again discover that less is more; control is divine; simplicity is perfection. 

Perfection demands an understanding of one’s reality as well as one’s potential.  The body exists in the past, acting on fears, not understanding that antediluvian threats have subsided.  The wary mind exists only in the present, living for the existing moment, extorting the biological talent for survival as it falls away from sensible restraint.  I will journey toward the future. There, I will transcend weakness, become liberated from it.  Nature demonstrates the inevitability of cycles.  By journeying into a liberated future, I will return to my past origin, where I will once again remind my body of wholeness, because I can offer it that.  I will reconnect with my biological strength. I will learn intimately the makeup of my skeleton—that which upholds me—and contemplate every bone revealed beneath my carved-out achievement.

My body will be my tapestry.  I am an artist, a sculptor, free to fashion it as I please.  Now, my body shows signs of being bound by mental weakness.  I will scuplt it into what I desire, and ignore those who tell me I must be a certain way.  I do not exist for them.  I no longer want to please them or the world.  I want to live for myself.  I do not desire to identify with the masses.  They require each other’s endorsement like they require air; it is their affirmation that they are on the right path. I will carve out my own path, savor the victory of willpower over mind and body.  I savor the idea of not be subjugated by my body any more.  I dictate how far my body and I travel on this journey of creating art together.  I seek the heart of a lion.  I belong to the warrior in myself.

There are no illusions about this pursuit.  This gripping impulse to create art, my art, is not without viciousness.  Along with the viciousness of cravings, deep pains, interrupted sleep, and lapses comes the viciousness of this mindset overriding all others to the point of its own manner of ineffectiveness.  It becomes impossible to think of other things; it consumes everything.  I must test myself to see if I can do this.  In an ironic blow, the act of rejecting what I crave will cause my mind and body to become fixated on it.  Those intoxicating thoughts will invade all facets of waking life and give color to dreams.  Still, restraint offers rewards to those who practice it.  Senses are enhanced; the mind is sharpened; the body is perfected.  Every remaining molecule becomes fine-tuned, a work of precision.  What remains is flawless willpower, pure emptiness. Carved-out perfection.


1 Comment

Filed under Drinking, Drugs, My Life, Sleep

One response to “Carving Out

  1. rhea

    Um…okay, I was really high when I wrote the above post. Just thought I would add that.

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