I am really fucking up.  For a while now I’ve been using every few hours around the clock, including at work.  Using in public obviously increases the chance of getting arrested, and I think I would care except that all I really care about is using.  I had been binging more and more frequently, then the episodes started bleeding into each other until there was no letup, and it’s been that way for over a month.  My best friend asked me to quit for a day, since the prior week had been way out of control.  I agreed to when he pointed out that getting high would be more effective the next day if I could get my tolerance to drop a bit.  Going clean is torture.  I got sick faster than I ever have after about six hours.  By early evening, I got hold of a bit from a source I had never used before.  The stuff was either bad or else I was allergic to something in it, because it really messed with me.  A few hours later, I had what felt like a heart attack (I’ve had two confirmed ones, plus seizures and overdoses), but I don’t know for sure.  I laid in bed in acute pain and unable to move, and I didn’t call into work.  I’ve been missing at least one day a week, and I show up late or leave early a lot.  The few hours I manage to be there, I usually use at least once.  I can’t get back in control.  This isn’t me.  For a long time I balanced working eighty hours between two jobs with school on the side.  I had friends, was happy, clean, and I was good to my parents and siblings.  I don’t know how to stop now, but I’m also not sure if I want to stop.

Two nights ago I was hanging out with my neighbor, who was the hookup for the bad stuff.  He was on something that made him extremely aggressive.  He was telling me how fragile skinny girls are while slamming his wall.  That scared the piss out of me, so I got up to leave, and he punched me three times, bam bam bam, in the face and stomach.  When I got back to my place upstairs, he came and pounded on my door for over an hour with no letup.  Calling the cops was out because I was high as a kite, and he’s on parole and would go back to prison for a long time.  I don’t like the guy, but I don’t want to be the one to maket that call.  The next night (last night) I was back at his place using, and he offered to share his vile drug that made him so aggressive.  It turned out to be PCP.  I’ve never tried a drug I didn’t like until last night.  I was scared out of my wits.  I had no idea what was real and what wasn’t.  I had terrifying thoughts, scary hallucinations, and was viciously suicidal.  I sat in the shower for over an hour desperately wanting to kill myself.  I don’t remember a lot of it, but after sobering up a bit, I got out a notebook and wrote some pretty crazy things down that I read this morning.  In April I had a lethal overdose that happened really fast.  The dealer’s roommate (they’re both my good friends) took me to the side of a road and called 911 from my phone before leaving me there.  I haven’t spent much time thinking about the overdose, but last night my thoughts were heavily focused on it.  From what I wrote, I think I was questioning whether I had been alive or dead since it happened, because I had felt dead since April.  Strange drug. 

Yesterday, I think I stumbled on my family’s plan for an intervention, so I laid low.  This morning I listened to my dreaded voicemails.  The first several were attempts of friends and family to contact me, people I haven’t heard from in months, just wanting to “talk.”  Those morphed into emergency calls from my parents taking my mom to the hospital in the afternoon.  She just had heart surgery last week, and I never went to see her in the hospital or at her house afterward.  Two days prior to her surgery, my dad had received some bad results from a biopsy, but they still don’t know what precisely is wrong with him.  I haven’t been there for him either.   They are both really sick, and their drinking on top of their health problems is killing them faster.  Meanwhile, I went AWOL while they’re simultaneously facing what could be the death of them.  I hate myself so much lately.  How do I face them today?  I have to see my dad in a little bit, and I don’t know what I will say to him.

Okay, this was a completely pessimistic post, but a vent was in order before work. 



Filed under Drinking, Drugs, My Life

6 responses to “Relapse

  1. Bruce

    I am sure that you don’t need any more advice that will lead you to either nodding in agreement while hoping the conversation ends quickly so you can get away or is so confrontational your self defenses throw up a shield that no one can get through. At some point, you’ll decide to change your life on your own. It probably won’t be a near death experience or some other cataclysmic event, you’ll just wake up and have outgrown the psychological need. The physical dependancy may be there for some time to come and the “taste” will remain for years-tempting you. Hopefully, you will be able to survive until then without damaging yourself irreparably. A change of scenery/environment can help by removing the easy access, familiar faces and possibly the environment that enables you to relapse. All of the advice in the world, all of the support groups can only give you insight from experience, you have to make the decision, fight the demons and move on. Been there-done that.
    You have an exceptional gift of writing. I hope that you continue to share that with us. Perhaps by doing so you may slay the dragon. Best wishes

  2. rhea

    Hi Bruce, thanks for your comment. You are absolutely right– I think a change will come when I outgrow this need, rather than in response to a bad event. The bad events leave me feeling isolated, apathetic, and somewhat immortal. Desire for change has to come from within me, and I do think (hope) that I’m getting closer to that point.

    My environment is definitely a black hole that enables me to keep using. It sounds like you can relate, so I appreciate the insight. It’s a tremendous decision to change my environment precisely because it affords the easy access and familiar faces, but I think about making that step more and more. Thanks again for the thoughtful comment.

  3. Terri

    Hello there i just wanted to let you know that i can relate in more way than one, my husband and i have been using crack cocaine for exactally a year now, i love the rush and the high it gives me but i don’t like the person i have become or much less who my husband has become, we have been together for almost five years, and he doesn’t trust me as far as he can throw me and i have never done anything for him not to trust me at all, its because of the drug, I have been 100% faithful and i put that on my daughters life, I love him with all my being and would never cheat on him because i love him that much, i am a stay at home mother and he pays for everything and i love his family why would i want to mess that up by fucking around on him? thats just plain stupid, but ever since we started using more and more he has become very paranoid, it has really taken a toll on our relationship. He has a harder time saying no to the drug and i can too but when its gone i can be satisfied and done and ill go to bed but he has to have more he will get more even when we can’t afford it. Our daughter suffers from our use too we try and do it at night when she is sleeping instead of during the day because she can tell when were on it, she starts acting up and not behaving. we recently moved to north texas from austin texas to get away from the dope and for his job opportunity and the neighbors that we have are users themselves, and my husband john thinks that i am sucking our neighbors dick for crack, which is completely disgusting and i would never do something that degrating ever. I am not that damn desperate to do something that gross and stupid. I have to watch who i talk to and watch what i say because john ask questions i pretty much have to explain everything i do and say, it really hurts me because he never used to be that way. i have learned from this drug that it is very powerful and very addictive and i wish i would have never became addicted to it, we have wasted so much money on the drug its not even funny, we have put our lives and our daughters live in jeporady and for what a quick high? I know i can be a better mom and person if i quit but to be honest i also don’t know if i ever want to completely stop we have slowed down alot since we moved but when we do it, its at bad times when we don’t have the money to spend on it or when we had plans to hang out with friends or family. all my family thinks that we have been clean since before we moved but we havent weve just been alot more sneaky about it, i found out yesterday that my husband put up security cameras around our house “for our security” i’m not stupid its so he can watch me to make sure i’m actually not cheating on him and when he finds out that i’m not hes gonna say that i have tricked the cameras some how. but i want to let you know that you are not alone i feel like i am raising two kids, when hes on this drug, i know that things may get worse and thats just a risk i am willing to take i myself am not ready to stop using this drug and i know for sure neither is he, i just want to be more responsible when we do it. if you need someone to talk to i am here and would love to talk with you. and you can email me at I am looking forward to hearing from you. Sincerly Terri and good luck to you.

  4. rhea

    Hi Terri, I’ll send you an email. Thanks for your note.

  5. Terri

    oh your welcome i am looking forward to hearing from you

  6. Terri

    oh yeah if you can’t reach me at that email address email me at

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