Moving Toward Treatment

Yesterday I went to a counseling session.  It felt so good to do something positive for myself.  It lends a new perspective to have things evaluated through the eyes of another person, especially someone who is so clear-headed and objective.  It was quite sobering, and I left feeling both relieved and scared.  We worked on a plan to start moving toward sobriety, although our goals are different…I want to get back to where I’m in control of my using again; he wants me completely clean.  I know I’m deceiving myself if I think I can contain my habit, but the idea of living a chemical-free life for more than a week is alien and nerve-racking.   I have zero capacity for controlled use.

He talked about enabling.  He defined it as people who allow me to use without imposing any negative consequences.  When I think about it in those terms, I guess I know a lot of enablers.  He talked about building a support system of about four people to be a safety net when I’m feeling tempted to use.  I couldn’t give him four names.  We came up with two, but it was a stretch.  My habit has given me the courage and motive to burn bridges, sabotage healthy relationships, and withdraw from the world.  Two years ago I would have been able to name a host of people that I felt close enough to trust and reach out to for help.  Addiction is most efficient when it is safeguarded by isolation.  Over the last couple of years, I’ve consistently chosen addiction over relationships with family and friends.

He talked about methadone.  I’m not sure what to think.  I asked about potential for abuse, and he said there is potential, but distribution is regulated.  I didn’t ask what happens if you crush it up and shoot it with smack, because if it is another way to get fucked up, then I’m all for it.  I will have to learn more about it.  Therein lies my vice…I tend to abuse anything I can get my hands on.  I thought of asking about buprenorphine, since it supposedly has a lower potential for abuse, but I stopped myself because why on earth would I choose a treatment that can’t be milked for another high over one that can?  He did say it’s dangerous to be on heroin and methadone at the same time. 

I don’t know whether it’s wise to voluntarily consent to a government drug test (I assume it would be accessible to the government if it’s through a clinic) and have it become a part of my permanent medical history.  The thought of having my name next to a positive check is profoundly disconcerting.  It may never make a difference, but once I commit, I can’t undo it.  I would hate to clean up, put my life back together, try to get a job in the courts someday, and be denied because the information surfaces. Maybe I should stick to short-term goals and worry more about surviving now than about the far-off future, but I don’t want to dig a hole for myself that I can’t undo.

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6 Comments

Filed under Drinking, Drugs, My Life

6 responses to “Moving Toward Treatment

  1. Hey, I admire your courage in doing this blog… I hope you will check mine out: http://www.rpigate.wordpress.com

  2. zone91

    wow, sounds tough alright. But man, shooting up and all is going to leave you miserable. I mean, you mentioned losing all those you’ve trusted over drugs. Why would you give into the craving and destroy all those good relationships. IN the long-run, quitting these drugs and all is the greatest thing yuo can do for yourself. and think of all those intelligent braincells your killing. When you left that excellent, great big long comment on outerspace on my blog, I was blown away by your knowledge on it. Seriously! Please, don’t wreck your body like this. don’t destroy that brilliant mind of yours.

  3. bottlecappie

    I’m so glad to hear that you made that big step, going to a counselor to talk about your habit. I was in therapy for close to a year, and never said one word about my opiate use. I seriously thought I could work out my issues, even if I was going to therapy high. Even now, my one therapist doesn’t know about my habit or the suboxone, but I’m going to kick his ass to the curb anyway.

    So, yes, that is a big step, and you deserve credit for making it. It’s hard to ask for help, especially when you’re asking for help with something as stigmatized as drug use.

    I understand completely your trepidation at the thought of having this problem marked down on your permant record. I have government-funded health insurance, and now I know they’re going to be all up in my business. Making peace with that is still an ongoing process for me.

    One of the hardest things, for me, is just the notion of being an “addict.” I don’t want that label, and I hate the idea of identifiying myself that way. I guess some would say I just don’t want to admit to it, but I think of it the same way that I think about my depression. I am a person first, one who has problems with depression and addiction – not depressive or an addict. That alone kept me from seeking help for too long.

    I have a friend who doesn’t have insurance, but she found a doctor who will prescribe suboxone to her, for about $100/month. Then she gets her prescription paid for through the pharma company’s low-income access program. So she’s getting help, and it will remain her business alone. There are ways to protect your privacy.

    I think it’s good that you are considering tyring to limit or curb your use. It’s still progress, it’s still a recognition that you need to rein it in, even if you’re not ready to say forever. I’m not ready to say that either. I don’t even count it among my goals at this point, but I’m still making a lot of progress and feeling better. I hope you’ll keep moving in that direction as well.

  4. rhea

    Hi zone, astronomy used to be a really big passion of mine. :-) Reading your blog gave me a chance to dust off my brain cells and revisit that wonderful field, so thank you.

    I do want to be free and clean of drugs for good. I appreciate the encouraging reminder that it’s not worth it in the long run. You’re absolutely right. Take care.

  5. DO NOT let the MAN any further into your shiiit than he already is – these drug therapies (naloxone, methadone, suboxone, etc.) are all in some way monitored by big brother and will come out somehow someday. I have no advice on substitutes other that NA / AA, as you know, but these are strange days, and have tremendous potential for getting ever stranger. Protect yourself, baby girl.

  6. My fear is that it will come out someday, so I am steering clear of it as long as I can (hopefully forever). Plus I would not want to go through a methadone withdrawal. I hear it’s hell.

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