Yesterday I went to a counseling session. It felt so good to do something positive for myself. It lends a new perspective to have things evaluated through the eyes of another person, especially someone who is so clear-headed and objective. It was quite sobering, and I left feeling both relieved and scared. We worked on a plan to start moving toward sobriety, although our goals are different…I want to get back to where I’m in control of my using again; he wants me completely clean. I know I’m deceiving myself if I think I can contain my habit, but the idea of living a chemical-free life for more than a week is alien and nerve-racking. I have zero capacity for controlled use.
He talked about enabling. He defined it as people who allow me to use without imposing any negative consequences. When I think about it in those terms, I guess I know a lot of enablers. He talked about building a support system of about four people to be a safety net when I’m feeling tempted to use. I couldn’t give him four names. We came up with two, but it was a stretch. My habit has given me the courage and motive to burn bridges, sabotage healthy relationships, and withdraw from the world. Two years ago I would have been able to name a host of people that I felt close enough to trust and reach out to for help. Addiction is most efficient when it is safeguarded by isolation. Over the last couple of years, I’ve consistently chosen addiction over relationships with family and friends.
He talked about methadone. I’m not sure what to think. I asked about potential for abuse, and he said there is potential, but distribution is regulated. I didn’t ask what happens if you crush it up and shoot it with smack, because if it is another way to get fucked up, then I’m all for it. I will have to learn more about it. Therein lies my vice…I tend to abuse anything I can get my hands on. I thought of asking about buprenorphine, since it supposedly has a lower potential for abuse, but I stopped myself because why on earth would I choose a treatment that can’t be milked for another high over one that can? He did say it’s dangerous to be on heroin and methadone at the same time.
I don’t know whether it’s wise to voluntarily consent to a government drug test (I assume it would be accessible to the government if it’s through a clinic) and have it become a part of my permanent medical history. The thought of having my name next to a positive check is profoundly disconcerting. It may never make a difference, but once I commit, I can’t undo it. I would hate to clean up, put my life back together, try to get a job in the courts someday, and be denied because the information surfaces. Maybe I should stick to short-term goals and worry more about surviving now than about the far-off future, but I don’t want to dig a hole for myself that I can’t undo.