I needed to psych myself up for my appointment today, so I thought I would come on here and write a little. I had good intentions. Then I decided drinking, pills, and generous doses of daytime & nighttime cold medicine (always an interesting variable to any buzz) might be more effective, so I tried that out. It worked reasonably well, but once again, I went through my counseling session a little foggy. Holy shit, it was a nightmare. It didn’t go well at all. I think we were on completely different pages.
Now I’m home, and I’m so down. I’m not sure why. A lot of things were brought up during the meeting that I never wanted brought up. So maybe I’m weak, and unable to keep secrets, and vulnerable to things that are so far removed from my daily life that they might as well belong to someone living in an alternate universe. I don’t maintain boundaries very well, and I violated a boundary within myself that I’ve viewed as sacrosanct for the majority of my life. No one touches it. I don’t even touch it. But I breached it today, and now I’m waiting for something along the lines of a lightning bolt from heaven to knock me over. What does this mean for the future? Maybe nothing as far as the whole therapy thing, but maybe everything in my own life. How many times when we were kids did adults tell us…don’t pick old scabs. Let them heal. They can scar. Leave them alone. My kindergarten teacher must have said that to kids twice a day. The lesson hasn’t changed.
I realized today that there is a word I have never said. I’ve never even typed it. Does anyone else have a word like that? I figure everyone must. I knew its meaning even before I knew the word, but it has been off-limits. Say it to my face, and I will say, “Fuck you.” Well, probably not, but I might think it. The counselor said it in passing, and I wasn’t going to say that to him, obviously. But I wasn’t prepared. Couldn’t we have just talked about Christmas for an hour?
Then there’s the issue of Benazir Bhutto’s assassination today. Grr. Nothing like an opposition leader being assassinated to put piddley things into perspective. Ah, yes, her government warned her against gathering publicly after she complained about their insufficient attempts at security…but maybe those insufficient attempts were more deliberate than they seemed…okay, I’m trailing. Time to sign off, as I don’t want my blog to turn into a drunken rambling.
Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, and good day to all. I hope everyone is well.
I’m going to be an aunt! I’m so excited. My brother and his wife announced that they are expecting. This was actually one of those planned pregnancies, so they’re ecstatic. Very cute. They both showed up sick, then we had 35 for Christmas and all the little kids were sick, and so now everyone in the house is sick…unbelievable. Rrr.
I’ve been using. Today is day 1 of getting back on track though. I have a counseling session on Thursday, and I’m a little embarrassed about the whole hospital shindig, but we will see how it goes. I really think 2008 will be a good year.
Fuck…I relapsed tonight. Sorry for the language. I might regret it in the morning, at which time I’ll surely hit the edit button, but for now, I’m content wearing out my ‘backspace’ button and choosing to pretend no one will care about my choice of language. I’m pretending a lot of things. Like this was a good thing for me. It occured me tonight (prior to using)…I have been on what is essentially one of the most powerful painkillers known to man for the better part of 29 months. I don’t typically think of it in those terms, but honestly, who passes up an opportunity like that?
I do still have good intentions. I used from the stash I still had sitting around, which had been tempting me to no end. In a crudely honest moment, I know I planned on using it as a safety net when things got a little too scary. Guess what, tonight was that night. I currently have no intent to keep using once it’s gone. Is that possible? Hell yes it is. Am I capable of it? (Do I hear Jaws music playing in the background?)
I do want to apologize. When I started this blog, I thought, hell yes…like a soul on earth will ever read this shit!…and then I started getting to know the wonderful people who do actually stop by. Some of you are struggling with your own addictions, some of you steer clear of drugs for all the right reasons, and some of you are in between. To everyone, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Tomorrow is a new day for all of us….
I’m a neat freak, but only regarding things I care about. I keep my apartment spotless by the most rigid standards. However, I don’t particularly like cars. I don’t like driving them; I don’t like America’s dependence on them; I don’t like how much money is required to keep them legal; and I loathe how much physical space and natural resources they consume. Consequently, I haven’t cleaned my car in ages. It’s a complete mess. I stopped cleaning the outside a couple of years ago, because I take issue with how much car washes cost and the fact that they’re not good for the environment. I also stopped cleaning the inside because……I have no idea why. I just don’t like cars. I am grateful to have one, but sometimes I think breaking my dependence on private transportation would be a good thing. Then I ponder how western America underwent massive expansion at the same time the automobile did the same, and cities were designed around the automobile rather than public transportation. What a gigantic mistake that was. I would be a wreck without my car. (Um…no pun intended.)
My favorite newspaper just had an article about how it’s nearly impossible to hail a cab in Denver. My experience has consistently been that you have to call a cab company, then wait typically 45+ minutes for one to show up. If it’s a Friday or Saturday night, then forget it. In a fantastic show of irony, a national taxi convention was just held at our convention center in the heart of downtown, and people who attended couldn’t get cabs afterward. Get this…our mayor went down to personally give a few of them a lift after they had been stranded for something like two hours and called the mayor’s office to complain.
Our downtown bus service shuts down at 1:50 AM. Bars close at 2:00 AM. How shameless is that? DUIs generate a lot of money for the state. Hmm….
I have a bad habit of giving away my money when I’m drunk. It’s also the only time I ever bet, but I will bet without inhibitions if the opportunity arises. I’m at a lucky stage now where I have no money to give away, but typically, I buy rounds and then try to force my money on the friends I just bought rounds for. I will also offer whatever money I have in my pockets to the stranger who opens up and tells me he’s broke. I come up with elaborate excuses as to why I don’t need it.
I’ve lost a lot of money this way. I never regret it, because I don’t value money for money’s sake, and I would rather give it away than do something logical like put it in a bank and make interest off it…but it’s not a useful habit when the end of the month rolls around.