The Big Plunge

I’ve been navigating the last several weeks with the attitude that my using has to come to an end.  I keep gearing myself up to feeling more and more ready, and each time, I tell myself that I’ve had enough and it’s not going to bring me any more satisfaction.  While I’m not in love with the idea of quitting, I do feel more ready than I think I ever have.  In the past, I’ve tended to quit impulsively, and then I feel cheated and pissed off because I didn’t have long enough to say my goodbyes.  There’s no promise that quitting will work this time, but I’m giving it my best shot.

I’m trying to pilot this crack at sobriety logically rather than emotionally.  I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting, writing (especially here), and weighing the benefits and drawbacks to a future without heroin.  This morning, my body was causing me a lot of grief.  I’ve consistently trashed it, and I’m worn out.  I’ve been warned about the damage I’ve done to my brain and heart.  I’ve damaged my bones, because unless I have someone looking out for me, I don’t eat.  How can I contribute meaningfully to the world when I can’t take care of myself?  My period stopped a long time ago.  I’m tired all the time to the point where I feel like I move about in a twilight world, but my sleeping habits are deplorable, and I can’t sleep more than an hour at a time.  I used to run 50 miles a week, and now I get tired just walking.  I’m embarrassed writing this, but that’s the ugly side of drugs.  I’ve overdosed in public and by myself, and it’s terrifying.  On Halloween I got to play up the heroin chic look :-) but most of the time,  I don’t like getting looks from people.  I miss wearing short sleeves.

Socially, I’ve dropped out of anything meaningful.  I don’t contribute to causes or volunteer my time.  I’ve quite playing music, which I ache to have back.  I’m past the point where I have to make excuses to friends, because most of them have stopped calling, and they get tired of me always getting fall-down trashed when we go out or having to leave two hours into the evening.  The ones who know get offended when I use in public.  I’ve gotten myself into a lot of dangerous and stupid situations, because I forfeit all control when I’m high.  I never feel lonely with drugs, but sometimes I realize how much I miss what I used to have.  I survived this semester, but I didn’t learn very much, because it was a blur.  I’ve screwed up so badly at work that I don’t know where to begin fixing things.

Reasons to keep using…?  Fuck dependence and withdrawal.  I want to be free of that cycle.  It’s Sunday.  I’m going to finish up the rest of my schoolwork today so that I just have to show up to turn my work in, and by Tuesday I’ll be done with school.  By Thursday when I go to counseling, I will hopefully be on the tail end of being sick.  I can generally get clean on my own if I really try, but I can never maintain it.  I hope counseling will help.  I’m resolved to get on methadone if I relapse, but for now, I’m going to try to save the $70 per week and put it toward counseling and groceries.

Anyway…thanks to all who have been such a support here.  Your encouragement has made all the difference in helping me to feel ready.

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12 Comments

Filed under Drugs, My Life

12 responses to “The Big Plunge

  1. Nusku

    Have faith in yourself. You can get through this. You can get clean and you can stay clean.

    You can always reach me on my blog or on email if you need to vent.

    God luck,

    PS if you possibly can stay clear of methadone – have heard a lot of bad stories about it.

  2. Rhea,

    I’m praying for you.

    In another post, you mentioned questions about your past being brought up; one of the things I’ve realized in my life, and continue to realize, is that we must deal with our pasts in order to be able to move forward in our futures. I’ve dealt with pain by compartmentalizing my life, and it doesn’t work; it allowed me to function but eventually the issues I buried or just ignored or put on the back burner or conveniently forgot came back up, demanding to be dealt with, worked through.

    Working through the pain is excruciating at times – reopening old wounds, grieving, allowing oneself to feel, to cry, to yell and scream…but at the end of it, it’s worth the painful journey. I say that with the understanding that on our own strength, we can accomplish nothing, but because of God, we are able to know and experience healing and His touch and love. He doesn’t promise not to allow us to experience pain and trials and the valleys of life, but He promises to never leave us or forsake us.

    In the times I turned my back on God, He never turned His back on me, not once. He was and is faithful to His promises. And it is Christ, and Christ only who can resurrect us. I know, for He has resurrected my life from the ashes. He can resurrect yours.

    Seeing how our pasts affect our present and how they affect our future is one of the first steps toward healing and self-awareness/understanding. Turning toward Jesus is the ultimate answer. He is the way, the truth, and the LIFE.

    I share because I identify with a lot of the feelings you’ve expressed through some of the posts I’ve read. And I just want to encourage you today: you are loved by the God who created you and He loves you intimately and knows your pain and grieves with you over it and He desires for you to be free, to be well, and to be whole.

    Much love to you today,
    Christy

  3. Kevin Olsen

    I don’t want to come across as trite, but there is a lot to be said for G.I. Joe. That great American, cartoon hero used to say “knowing is half the battle,” and it seems you’re very aware of the problems.

    But the question is whether you believe what you know.

    Like with any addiciton (sex, coffee, smoking, chocolate), there’s often a breakdown between what you know to be true and what you believe. People always act according to thier beliefs. Here’s one example and I’ll be done.

    If you believe that jumping off of a building is going to kill you (and you don’t want to die) you’re not going to jump off the building. When Disney’s Peter Pan came out there were a number of children who jumped out of their bedroom windows because they believed they could fly. They rejected what they knew about gravity and took the plunge . . . to their death. If they believed that Peter Pan was fiction, and that it’s impossible to fly, and that they would die . . . they wouldn’t have jumped.

    It seems you know how detrimental your habbit is. But the question I have for you is . . . do you believe it? The moment you settle that in your head is the moment you’ll see lasting change. You’ll probably need a little help, but you will see change.

  4. bottlecappie

    Oh, Rhea, good for you. I’m glad to hear that you’re finally feeling ready to make a decision. Hopefully you’ll be at peace with what you’ve decided is right for you.

    Do you have anyone to look in on you while you’re going through withdrawals? That seems like a lot to have to face by yourself. But I guess you know yourself & how you react, huh? I hope it’s not too bad.

    I’ll be thinking about you and if good vibes and healing energy can be sent, I’ll be sending some your way.

  5. Wow. I do appreciate everyone’s comments and support.

    Nusku…I have been reading up on methadone, and I have heard the same. The professionals mostly seem to say it’s a wonder drug, but people who have been on it say that it’s hell to get off of. If I can avoid it, then I would rather not swap one dependency for another. Hope you’re doing well.

  6. Hi Christy, thanks from the bottom of my heart for the prayers and encouragement. Ugh, you are right…the only way to truly move forward is by dealing with the past. My back burners are always full with things I choose to ignore. :) I prefer to shy away from things that hurt, but I know that God gives us ample strength. We just have to be willing to place our trust in Him. I am in the habit of trying to rely only on myself, but I tend to be my worst source of support. It never ceases to amaze me that God doesn’t abandon us, even when we push Him away. We all yearn to be whole, and it’s a tough road sometimes. Thanks for sharing.

  7. Kevin, you read me like a book. There is frequently a breakdown between what I know and what I believe to be true. I probably would have been one of the jumpers. :) It’s not like I was duped into this mess because I wasn’t aware of the risk for addiction…of course I knew I was playing with fire. Part of me just believed I could make it through unscathed. Even now, I find myself reasoning that if I can just get back in control, I’ll be able to go back to using, only this time I would stay vigilant about maintaining control…but I’ve been through that before, and the lesson never changes. The only realistic answer is to achieve and maintain sobriety. I know that’s true, and I hope I’m on the right path to really believing it as well. Thanks for stopping by.

  8. Hi bottlecappie, sorry for the delay in getting back. Grr, withdrawals…they always let me know the extent of the dependency. It’s been positively nightmarish. Last night I thought I would surely have no stomach left if I threw up one more time (sorry). I’ve been apartment-bound, but I felt better this morning, and I caught a little nap. I would welcome someone knocking me out with a frying pan right now, but luckily the roads were a mess last night, and our teacher told us we could email our final papers rather than show up to turn them in. Lucky break!

    Okay, too much griping. Thanks for checking in. :)

  9. aj

    You are clearly amazing…..from your literary work, to connecting with others in obviously meaningful ways through your website, to your high ability to be deeply introspective and act upon what you find there.
    The place you are in right now is a stepping stone to even greater things that you will create in your future. Support is just an e-mail away.
    My best to you with warmth and kindness,
    aj

  10. Wow aj, I am so touched. Thank you for the warmth, kindness, and support. I am really trying to act on what is best for me, and the support here has truly made a big difference in getting up the courage to make a clean break and actually believing that I can do it. I will send an email your way. I also read your other message…I will say a prayer for you and your family. Take care.

  11. Hey, thanks for stopping by my digs. You sound like a smart chick, and while I hate to see someone quit drugs….well, I hate to see someone quit partying. And if you’re not having fun, yeah — screw it.

    Oddly, Needle and the Damage Done played on the stereo here at the Bar in Vermont while I read this post.

    One bit of advice: don’t get too down on yourself if you don’t kick for good this time around. I know from my own oft painful experience that it only makes it worse to hate myself for it…

    …also, if you can get them suboxone seems far superior to methadone as a clinical solution.

    Good luck.

  12. aj

    hello little miss engine that could,
    i am sending a brief note of well wishes and healing, supportive energy to you because you have been on my heart today. it is always so interesting to me the individuals that intersect with us in our lives and how it is that comes to be. i no longer question it, but instead remain grateful for it. so having said that, i find you on my heart today, and am hoping you are experiencing love and support from those in your presence.
    may there be warm souls wrapped around you to nurture you wherever you are.
    a.j
    xoxox

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