I’ve been navigating the last several weeks with the attitude that my using has to come to an end. I keep gearing myself up to feeling more and more ready, and each time, I tell myself that I’ve had enough and it’s not going to bring me any more satisfaction. While I’m not in love with the idea of quitting, I do feel more ready than I think I ever have. In the past, I’ve tended to quit impulsively, and then I feel cheated and pissed off because I didn’t have long enough to say my goodbyes. There’s no promise that quitting will work this time, but I’m giving it my best shot.
I’m trying to pilot this crack at sobriety logically rather than emotionally. I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting, writing (especially here), and weighing the benefits and drawbacks to a future without heroin. This morning, my body was causing me a lot of grief. I’ve consistently trashed it, and I’m worn out. I’ve been warned about the damage I’ve done to my brain and heart. I’ve damaged my bones, because unless I have someone looking out for me, I don’t eat. How can I contribute meaningfully to the world when I can’t take care of myself? My period stopped a long time ago. I’m tired all the time to the point where I feel like I move about in a twilight world, but my sleeping habits are deplorable, and I can’t sleep more than an hour at a time. I used to run 50 miles a week, and now I get tired just walking. I’m embarrassed writing this, but that’s the ugly side of drugs. I’ve overdosed in public and by myself, and it’s terrifying. On Halloween I got to play up the heroin chic look :-) but most of the time, I don’t like getting looks from people. I miss wearing short sleeves.
Socially, I’ve dropped out of anything meaningful. I don’t contribute to causes or volunteer my time. I’ve quite playing music, which I ache to have back. I’m past the point where I have to make excuses to friends, because most of them have stopped calling, and they get tired of me always getting fall-down trashed when we go out or having to leave two hours into the evening. The ones who know get offended when I use in public. I’ve gotten myself into a lot of dangerous and stupid situations, because I forfeit all control when I’m high. I never feel lonely with drugs, but sometimes I realize how much I miss what I used to have. I survived this semester, but I didn’t learn very much, because it was a blur. I’ve screwed up so badly at work that I don’t know where to begin fixing things.
Reasons to keep using…? Fuck dependence and withdrawal. I want to be free of that cycle. It’s Sunday. I’m going to finish up the rest of my schoolwork today so that I just have to show up to turn my work in, and by Tuesday I’ll be done with school. By Thursday when I go to counseling, I will hopefully be on the tail end of being sick. I can generally get clean on my own if I really try, but I can never maintain it. I hope counseling will help. I’m resolved to get on methadone if I relapse, but for now, I’m going to try to save the $70 per week and put it toward counseling and groceries.
Anyway…thanks to all who have been such a support here. Your encouragement has made all the difference in helping me to feel ready.