I’m still holding out, but it’s getting so much harder. Some moments bring reprieve, but most seem to amplify the frustration of trying to hang on to sobriety. Grr. It’s out of my system, but I have a long way to go before it’s out of my mind. If I could take on sobriety with none of the associated shit, like stirred up emotions and physical paroxysms, I’d be completely gung-ho for it. But therein lies the challenge. How does anyone do it? It’s a mystery. Nothing is tiding me over adequately. I mostly just think I’m cracking up, and the pain from every bump and bruise is excessively amplified. I keep coming back to the obvious answer…duh, legalize smack…but maybe that’s asking for trouble.
I sincerely admire anyone who’s kicked an addiction or bad habit of any sort and lived to tell about it. So much of what life throws at us isn’t a choice, but addiction is a road that’s littered with choices along the way. Those choices become increasingly entangled with desire, then compulsion, then force, until you risk losing yourself to the chink in your armor completely. God give me the tools and know-how to repair this hole in myself.