…but certainty is absurd.” ~ Voltaire
I’m in this honeymoon phase where I’m off heroin, trying to appreciate that fact in all its simplicity, and adjusting to the immediate changes it’s brought. I’m settling in. I’m still gliding on the fact that I’ve done it…I did what I told everyone I was going to do, and…now I’m waiting for something along the lines of the hand of God to swoop down and let me sit upon it for awhile to sustain me. Just for a bit.
Everyone tells me the hardest part comes once you’re clean. I can cruise for a short time on the newness of it all. I can find reward in getting to this point and pleasure in simple things once again (like eating without having to be reminded and coaxed by someone…hmm). I’ve been through this all before, and it’s never lasted more than a couple of months. The honeymoon ends; then I find I’m pissed off and scared (and must therefore avoid psychedelic drugs); I get tired of drinking myself into an emotionally anesthetized state; and I panic and go right back to the customary panacea for my troubles…or at least what allows me to ignore them with grand indifference.
I’m headed to an NA meeting tonight. I’m not very excited, but I’m keeping an open mind. Maybe that will be the difference this time, or at least a small piece of the puzzle. I figure I need to change a lot of things. I’m hoping for the best tonight.