“Doubt is not a pleasant condition…

…but certainty is absurd.”  ~ Voltaire 

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I’m in this honeymoon phase where I’m off heroin, trying to appreciate that fact in all its simplicity, and adjusting to the immediate changes it’s brought.  I’m settling in.  I’m still gliding on the fact that I’ve done it…I did what I told everyone I was going to do, and…now I’m waiting for something along the lines of the hand of God to swoop down and let me sit upon it for awhile to sustain me.  Just for a bit.

Everyone tells me the hardest part comes once you’re clean.  I can cruise for a short time on the newness of it all.  I can find reward in getting to this point and pleasure in simple things once again (like eating without having to be reminded and coaxed by someone…hmm).  I’ve been through this all before, and it’s never lasted more than a couple of months.  The honeymoon ends; then I find I’m pissed off and scared (and must therefore avoid psychedelic drugs); I get tired of drinking myself into an emotionally anesthetized state; and I panic and go right back to the customary panacea for my troubles…or at least what allows me to ignore them with grand indifference.

I’m headed to an NA meeting tonight.  I’m not very excited, but I’m keeping an open mind.  Maybe that will be the difference this time, or at least a small piece of the puzzle.  I figure I need to change a lot of things.  I’m hoping for the best tonight. 

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10 Comments

Filed under Drinking, Drugs

10 responses to ““Doubt is not a pleasant condition…

  1. Hrrg! The meeting was cancelled…I triple-checked the printed info against my watch and the address on the building, and everything was in order, except that no one was there but me. It is Monday, right?

  2. bottlecappie

    Oh, that blows. That was an impressive effort on your part though. Enjoy your honeymoon, but do make a back-up plan, just in case.

    I totally relate to that hand-of-god thing. The first couple of weeks after I started treatment I felt like the universe should conspire to help me along, make everything easy for me. But no, instead I got really sick, and my kid had lice, and the heat was shut off and and and…

    Whatever happens, you can make it through. Have you heard of a book called The Power of Now? It’s kinda new-agey-cheesy, but the basic premise is pretty useful. All we ever have to deal with is this one moment – and all of our suffering is caused by projecting into the future or looking back into the past. I think sometimes we give in to the desire to use, or seek that oblivion in whatever way we choose, because we don’t remember that everything is temporary – even the shitty feelings that we long to escape.

    Good luck, Rhea. I’m rooting for you.

  3. Hmm, a backup plan….
    ………………………………….
    ……………………………………..
    Still working on that one.

    I like the premise of that book. It’s the Buddhist in me that’s always drawn to the concept that everything is temporary, at least in this life. When I forget that, I seek oblivion, just like you said.

    I’m sorry your transition into treatment was such a rough one. I think there’s a stronger lesson to be taken from it though, if you could make it through so much and emerge still on your feet. There’s no question, you have strength and tenacity. How are you doing with the whole treatment thing, by the way?

  4. bottlecappie

    I like your backup plan – it’s very spare, almost zen-like in it’s simplicity ;)

    Treatment is ok. I am doing it my own way as much as possible. No NA/AA yet, and I’m not planning on it. I do go to the SMART recovery site, and I might do some of their homework assignments. It’s CBT based, or REBT, but like anything I think you have to take what works and ditch the rest. I started yoga today too, as part of my “recovery”. Sorry, the lingo just irks me.

    Do you have someone you can call, who could talk you down before you use? Would that even help?

    That SMART site has some PDF’s you can download about dealing with cravings, anxiety, that type of thing.

    You, lady, are a strong one. And what a voice you have. Sometimes I read your blog and I think “damn, I wish I’d written that.” I’m sorry you’re going through so much painful stuff right now. It’s hard to keep the faith that life will be better, especially if it wasn’t that much better before we started using drugs. Or if you just can’t remember, what it was like before it got bad.

    I’m just trusting what my therapist said, that I can have a good life, filled with joy. It seems possible, if not entirely probable, ha! Why not?

  5. To all: Listen and watch people who have succeeded in maintaining abstinence. “You don’t have to re-invent things that already work well.” Remember: Birds of feather flock together. I often tell people, “You need to do two things, primarily. Learn common sense and grow up.” Remember, none of us are very unique. Everybody has problems and questions that no one has answers for. It creates the presence of the “Mystical” things in life or in-other-words, the part you get have your own definition of. Recovery though, is a path that’s straight and narrow. A little off the path and danger increases incrementally with how far off you go! If something you are doing hurts… don’t do that!

  6. Well, he makes it sound so simple! If only I had common sense, how easy life would be, and I could stay on the straight and narrow, and everything would always be ok, and we could all talk in cliches forever ;)

  7. Yeah, he kind of does make it sound simple. I don’t know, call me crazy, but my mind was a little disjointed trying to follow his thoughts. :)

    “If something you are doing hurts…don’t do that!” Yeah, well, I was one of the kids who learned exceedingly slowly to keep my hands off a hot stove. My learning curve hasn’t really budged since then. I appreciate the simplicity of his answer, and believe me I’m trying, but maybe my problem is that I’m in the pattern of thinking, “If something you are doing hurts…use heroin! Duh!”

    Start at the source, I say. He handed me the solution, but not the method. After all, sobriety hurts more than using.

  8. bottlecappie

    Holy crap, that is the truth. It’s just that thing about not being able to stay high all the time forever that really throws a wrench into it. The pain just keeps finding a way to make itself felt, until, as you said, you deal with the source.

    Don’t feel too bad, I’m 34 and I’m still trying to wrap my mind around that.

  9. Have you ever had this fleeting wish that the whole world could be turned on to being high for just a moment? I used to wish for that. I now realize it would be a disaster, but all logic and reality aside, I used to think that if everyone could feel that wonderful (especially simultaneously), it would change the course of humanity.

    I think we are all on a life-long course to learning to deal with the pain. We tend to stifle it and run from the source, but it always comes back to bite us.

  10. bottlecappie

    Oh, If I could buy the world a hit of mdma, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Could you imagaine the walls that could come tumbling down?

    Sadly, that will never happen, but it’s a fun daydream.

    I like this Kahlil Gibran poem about pain:

    Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
    Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
    And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
    And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
    And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

    Much of your pain is self-chosen.
    It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
    Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
    For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
    And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

    I like the idea that pain has something to teach us, that it is more than something to try to avoid, or even to just try to cure. That the pain itself can lead us to the cure if we start looking into it for clues. There are meditations that I’ve found useful as tools for exploring this idea. Let me know if you want some info about that.

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