Stupid Stupid STupid

Fuck…I relapsed tonight.  Sorry for the language. I might regret it in the morning, at which time I’ll surely hit the edit button, but for now, I’m content wearing out my ‘backspace’ button and choosing to pretend no one will care about my choice of language.  I’m pretending a lot of things.  Like this was a good thing for me.  It occured me tonight (prior to using)…I have been on what is essentially one of the most powerful painkillers known to man for the better part of 29 months.  I don’t typically think of it in those terms, but honestly, who passes up an opportunity like that?

I do still have good intentions.  I used from the stash I still had sitting around, which had been tempting me to no end.  In a crudely honest moment, I know I planned on using it as a safety net when things got a little too scary.  Guess what, tonight was that night.  I currently have no intent to keep using once it’s gone.  Is that possible?  Hell yes it is.  Am I capable of it?  (Do I hear Jaws music playing in the background?)

I do want to apologize.  When I started this blog, I thought, hell yes…like a soul on earth will ever read this shit!…and then I started getting to know the wonderful people who do actually stop by.  Some of you are struggling with your own addictions, some of you steer clear of drugs for all the right reasons, and some of you are in between.  To everyone, I apologize from the bottom of my heart.  Tomorrow is a new day for all of us….

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8 Comments

Filed under Drugs

8 responses to “Stupid Stupid STupid

  1. Nusku

    Okay, so it happened – you relapsed.

    I wouldn’t waste time apologising or beating yourself or feeling sad about it – those things will just take your energy leading you downwards.
    You should just decide – decide in as deep a way as you can – if you are going to get back on the road to being and staying clean or if you are going let it all slip… And if you are going to go clean then you know you should throw away whatever is left of your stash.

    I really hope you choose to get clean, and that make that choice with the whole you…

  2. Hi Nusku, I’m feeling quite resolved today about getting back on track. I’m out of the apartment so I can really contemplate my next move without any distractions. I’m with you…I want to make the choice to stay clean, and with a full commitment rather than a half-assed one. Thanks for the encouragement.

  3. Nusku

    Were there certain triggers or actions that led to the relapse?
    If so perhaps you can work out a strategy for avoiding them as much as possible next time?

    I really sympathise with how difficult it is to make, and hold to, a resolution. I struggle with it all the time and my situation isn’t as tough as yours.

    Keep in touch.

  4. I agree with Nusku… don’t beat yourself up. You made a mistake, move on from it and stay strong. And I agree you should throw away the rest of your stash… it’s not worth the temptation. I know that’s hard and scary too, but it has to be done. Work up to that if you need to. Everyday you are doing good and feeling good, throw some away. I’m rooting for you too!

  5. Hi Nusku, there were definite triggers. Learning to deal with them was sort of my reason for deciding to delve into therapy. That hasn’t gone very well so far because I screwed up royally. Rrr. But one suggestion from my counselor was to get about 3 people to be my back-up plan, so if I’m struggling or whatever, I can call one of them. Of course, that was all discussed before the shindig with the hospital, so I haven’t thought much about it since…but it seemed better than any plan I could think of.

    How are you hanging in?

  6. My little tree for Christmas. I put all the tiny red lights into it, deep between the branches, and hung ornaments out on the ends. It reminded me of the impression I have of you: deep, red, burning heat, hidden passion in the middle of what shows on the outside. What shows is what everyone expects, and what you want them to see – that you’re just like them. With a bunch of cheapassed sparklies showing on your tips, hypnotizing the observer, begging for attention and insincere compliments. Time to wake up, Grasshopper.

  7. bottlecappie

    Ha, Rhea, I guess that was your “plan b” eh? Oh, the many ways we deceive ourselves.

    It hurts to fuck up, but tomorrow you can try again. I like to think of progress as a spiral, rather than a line. So sometimes, it looks like you’re heading backwards, but you’re still learning, still going towards your goal.

    You can do it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

  8. Kevin Olsen

    For every day you relapse there are many days you don’t. Never let the failures overcome the victories. Don’t make excuses for them, just learn to move on. Next time you’ll be stronger.

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