Ramblings

I needed to psych myself up for my appointment today, so I thought I would come on here and write a little.  I had good intentions.  Then I decided drinking, pills, and generous doses of daytime & nighttime cold medicine (always an interesting variable to any buzz) might be more effective, so I tried that out.  It worked reasonably well, but once again, I went through my counseling session a little foggy.  Holy shit, it was a nightmare.  It didn’t go well at all.  I think we were on completely different pages.

Now I’m home, and I’m so down.  I’m not sure why.  A lot of things were brought up during the meeting that I never wanted brought up.  So maybe I’m weak, and unable to keep secrets, and vulnerable to things that are so far removed from my daily life that they might as well belong to someone living in an alternate universe.  I don’t maintain boundaries very well, and I violated a boundary within myself that I’ve viewed as sacrosanct for the majority of my life.  No one touches it.  I don’t even touch it.  But I breached it today, and now I’m waiting for something along the lines of a lightning bolt from heaven to knock me over.  What does this mean for the future?  Maybe nothing as far as the whole therapy thing, but maybe everything in my own life.  How many times when we were kids did adults tell us…don’t pick old scabs.  Let them heal.  They can scar.  Leave them alone.  My kindergarten teacher must have said that to kids twice a day.  The lesson hasn’t changed.

I realized today that there is a word I have never said.  I’ve never even typed it.  Does anyone else have a word like that?  I figure everyone must.  I knew its meaning even before I knew the word, but it has been off-limits.  Say it to my face, and I will say, “Fuck you.”  Well, probably not, but I might think it.  The counselor said it in passing, and I wasn’t going to say that to him, obviously.  But I wasn’t prepared.  Couldn’t we have just talked about Christmas for an hour?

Then there’s the issue of Benazir Bhutto’s assassination today.  Grr.  Nothing like an opposition leader being assassinated to put piddley things into perspective.  Ah, yes, her government warned her against gathering publicly after she complained about their insufficient attempts at security…but maybe those insufficient attempts were more deliberate than they seemed…okay, I’m trailing.  Time to sign off, as I don’t want my blog to turn into a drunken rambling.

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7 Comments

Filed under Drinking, Drugs, My Life

7 responses to “Ramblings

  1. j.p. schilling

    Rhea,

    I just love what you’re doing here! In its entirety…spilling, gushing, and the insight is simply magnificent. I could read this for days and daze…Cheers!

    Onemorecup aka j.p.schilling

    Btw, how’d you like simpleminds?

  2. Regardless of who really took Bhutto out, that numbskull in the whitehouse and his cadre of buffoons will work it around into something personal and use it for political grist.
    If I had to spend more than an hour or so in a house with 35 people, regardless of their relation to me, blood or otherwise, I think I would lose my shit completely. But thats’ just me of course. Send me an Email – I’d love to talk more about this word that cannot be spoken…..intriguing.

  3. I know this much Rhea…there are times-frequent times-I need to escape to buzz land to see the world through really clouded eyes. I do not particularly like it-but at times it is the only place to go. I even can relate how the world challenges-aka people in the news who lose it-lose life-or lose moral judgement such as the senator from Idaho…I know how these things can affect us,and do.
    I really wish I was able to make it better-and change all of our troubled pasts and make things perfect…hmm,not my gift I guess.
    My thanks to you for how you share your life with us.
    Best Wishes -as much as you can get!!

  4. bottlecappie

    Hey Rhea, I’ve brought you a little reading material. It’s about the stages of change – how we think about change, prepare for it, take action, try to maintain, fuck up, lather, rinse, repeat.

    Sometimes it’s good to know that you’re not alone, and that we really do act in predictible ways, and that’s ok. Love to you!

    http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/Articles_and_Essays/Stages_of_Change/stages_of_change.htm

  5. Nusku

    good link bottlecappie, well worth reading

  6. Hi bottlecappie, I am…thanks for asking. It’s been a bumpy week, but on to a new day. How are you?

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