Category Archives: My Life

Impasse, or Momentary Lapse of Progress?

Hi all.  It’s been a while, but for as little as I have to say, there hasn’t been much time to say it.  The long and the short is, I don’t really have anything great to report, so I’ve been staying away.  Thing is, I didn’t realize I was in so deep until I tried to get out from under this thing.  I find that I keep hitting walls, most of which I suspect are internally rooted.  There’s an old Japanese proverb that fear is only as deep as the mind allows.  The origin and solution to this problem can be found inside my own head, but I’m not doing enough about it.  Life is becoming frighteningly real and raw, and there’s no slowing it down or reversing it.  Time to make a serious move forward and reclaim something that resembles a life worth living.  On to the fore.

Hope everyone is doing well…I’ll be checking in more.

Advertisements

11 Comments

Filed under My Life

Ramblings

I needed to psych myself up for my appointment today, so I thought I would come on here and write a little.  I had good intentions.  Then I decided drinking, pills, and generous doses of daytime & nighttime cold medicine (always an interesting variable to any buzz) might be more effective, so I tried that out.  It worked reasonably well, but once again, I went through my counseling session a little foggy.  Holy shit, it was a nightmare.  It didn’t go well at all.  I think we were on completely different pages.

Now I’m home, and I’m so down.  I’m not sure why.  A lot of things were brought up during the meeting that I never wanted brought up.  So maybe I’m weak, and unable to keep secrets, and vulnerable to things that are so far removed from my daily life that they might as well belong to someone living in an alternate universe.  I don’t maintain boundaries very well, and I violated a boundary within myself that I’ve viewed as sacrosanct for the majority of my life.  No one touches it.  I don’t even touch it.  But I breached it today, and now I’m waiting for something along the lines of a lightning bolt from heaven to knock me over.  What does this mean for the future?  Maybe nothing as far as the whole therapy thing, but maybe everything in my own life.  How many times when we were kids did adults tell us…don’t pick old scabs.  Let them heal.  They can scar.  Leave them alone.  My kindergarten teacher must have said that to kids twice a day.  The lesson hasn’t changed.

I realized today that there is a word I have never said.  I’ve never even typed it.  Does anyone else have a word like that?  I figure everyone must.  I knew its meaning even before I knew the word, but it has been off-limits.  Say it to my face, and I will say, “Fuck you.”  Well, probably not, but I might think it.  The counselor said it in passing, and I wasn’t going to say that to him, obviously.  But I wasn’t prepared.  Couldn’t we have just talked about Christmas for an hour?

Then there’s the issue of Benazir Bhutto’s assassination today.  Grr.  Nothing like an opposition leader being assassinated to put piddley things into perspective.  Ah, yes, her government warned her against gathering publicly after she complained about their insufficient attempts at security…but maybe those insufficient attempts were more deliberate than they seemed…okay, I’m trailing.  Time to sign off, as I don’t want my blog to turn into a drunken rambling.

7 Comments

Filed under Drinking, Drugs, My Life

Well Wishes

Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, and good day to all.  I hope everyone is well.

I’m going to be an aunt!  I’m so excited.  My brother and his wife announced that they are expecting.  This was actually one of those planned pregnancies, so they’re ecstatic.  Very cute.  They both showed up sick, then we had 35 for Christmas and all the little kids were sick, and so now everyone in the house is sick…unbelievable.  Rrr.

I’ve been using.  Today is day 1 of getting back on track though.  I have a counseling session on Thursday, and I’m a little embarrassed about the whole hospital shindig, but we will see how it goes.  I really think 2008 will be a good year. 

2 Comments

Filed under My Life

Live and Let Live

2.jpg 

“You’re so astute to everything, except when it comes to your own life.” 

This is what a friend recently told me.

I try not to tolerate bullshit, and I strive for honesty and integrity in dealing with others, but I constantly bullshit myself.  I was endowed with a high ability to expect and deliver low personal standards. 

Is there anything wrong with this? 

I say no, but friends tell me otherwise.  I consistently make stupid decisions as often as they present themselves, but I own them, and if I’m okay with it, then I say live and let live.

2 Comments

Filed under My Life

Gentle Sleep

Oh sleep! it is a gentle thing,

Beloved from pole to pole.

                             ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I slept in a bed last night for the first time in a long time…at least three weeks.  I mostly crash out on the floor or fold up into an armchair, and I wake up feeling substantially less than stellar.  I never stay asleep for long.  Most nights, I never formulate the intent of going to sleep.  My best method for konking out is heavy drinking, so I’ve been doing quite a bit of that lately in the evenings.  However, both alcohol and drugs have an annoying chemical rebound effect, so before I know it, I’m awake and restless.  Once the sun is up and I’m effectively exhausted, I can usually catch a good nap.  I sleep best around 8 or 9AM (just in time for work).  

Last night was divine.  I put on pajamas, grabbed Grover (my faithful and steadfast companion), crawled into bed, stretched out on the soft mattress, and pulled the covers up to my chin.  I didn’t know I felt so rundown, but once I was laying down, I suddenly became indescribably exhausted and weary, as if I hadn’t slept in a year.  I don’t think I’ve ever been that tired before.  I melted into the mattress and my eyelids became like lead.  My bed was fit for a royal palace, and I was so completely grateful for it.  It felt heavenly to stretch out and just relax.  I let my mind drift where it pleased, but it was emptied of thoughts and distractions; it simply was.  I soaked up every minute of the experience until I blissfully fell asleep moments later.

grover.jpg

2 Comments

Filed under My Life, Sleep

Knight in Tarnished Armor

My heart breaks for him at times.  He has been through the mire and survived to tell about it.  He rarely talks about it…but for some reason, he chose to trust me years ago and open up.  Maybe it was because I wasn’t sober at the time and he thought I wouldn’t remember; but I did, and he continued to be open to me.  It created a unique bond of trust that has never broken completely, no matter how many times it’s been tested.  His childhood was a nightmare, and I know it’s affected every decision he’s ever made, but he made it through and doesn’t look back all that often.  He’s hurt me immensely, but the times he’s been there for me are more touching and sweet than words can convey.  He is a cultural relativist to a fault, which spills over into refusing to blame his parents for his flaws, and refusing to blame me for mine.  If he were in charge of the world, we would all be doomed.

 

The first time I met him, I thought I was in love.  I didn’t know God could make people as extraordinary as him.  I spilled over him like water, and I thought I was the luckiest girl on earth to have captured his interest.  The second time I was around him, I didn’t stop crying for days.  I was really young.  I thought I could save him, and I thought he could save me.  I think he believed that too.  He became my family.  I was so vulnerable to him at times that I was sure he would be the death of me.  I fought not to fall for him completely and get lost in his existence.  I was weak for his eyes, his smell, his laughter, his charm.  His balance of intellect and passion was intimidating.  His presence was electrifying.  I thought there was nothing and no one he couldn’t master.  I still believe that.  I’m convinced the temperature in a room is always hotter around him.

 

He has a soft spot for people who are vulnerable, but he can lash out at them too.  He made me feel protected, something I had never really felt.  It was intoxicating.  He became a sort of parent figure.  I was young, and I was enraptured.  By letting him be my knight in shining armor, I forgot how to protect myself.

 

I watched him carve out his niche in the world.  He focuses all of his efforts on the material.  It makes me sad, and I used to try to change his convictions, but he never changes for anyone except himself. 

 

When I needed help, I went to him, and he took me under his wing with sympathy and sincerity.  He showed me a path that he warned was dark and dangerous, but I followed him anyway.  My life has been reeling since then.  He handed me ecstasy.  We became entangled again, and this time he broke and cried for me.  It was strange to see him vulnerable to me, when I have been vulnerable to him so many times.  We have been reckless…I think we both quietly wonder if we will be each other’s downfall.  That remains unknown, but we carry on in an ebb and flow of using each other and trying to save each other.  He still scrapes me up and puts me to bed sometimes, and I still stroke his back when he has nightmares. 

 

I pray for release.  I’ve lost so much, and he’s taken it without apology.  I can’t find my way out.  After everything, I am still weak to him.  Loyalty and debt outweigh reason.  Every day I wonder how this will end. 

 

 

12 Comments

Filed under Drugs, My Life

The Big Plunge

I’ve been navigating the last several weeks with the attitude that my using has to come to an end.  I keep gearing myself up to feeling more and more ready, and each time, I tell myself that I’ve had enough and it’s not going to bring me any more satisfaction.  While I’m not in love with the idea of quitting, I do feel more ready than I think I ever have.  In the past, I’ve tended to quit impulsively, and then I feel cheated and pissed off because I didn’t have long enough to say my goodbyes.  There’s no promise that quitting will work this time, but I’m giving it my best shot.

I’m trying to pilot this crack at sobriety logically rather than emotionally.  I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting, writing (especially here), and weighing the benefits and drawbacks to a future without heroin.  This morning, my body was causing me a lot of grief.  I’ve consistently trashed it, and I’m worn out.  I’ve been warned about the damage I’ve done to my brain and heart.  I’ve damaged my bones, because unless I have someone looking out for me, I don’t eat.  How can I contribute meaningfully to the world when I can’t take care of myself?  My period stopped a long time ago.  I’m tired all the time to the point where I feel like I move about in a twilight world, but my sleeping habits are deplorable, and I can’t sleep more than an hour at a time.  I used to run 50 miles a week, and now I get tired just walking.  I’m embarrassed writing this, but that’s the ugly side of drugs.  I’ve overdosed in public and by myself, and it’s terrifying.  On Halloween I got to play up the heroin chic look :-) but most of the time,  I don’t like getting looks from people.  I miss wearing short sleeves.

Socially, I’ve dropped out of anything meaningful.  I don’t contribute to causes or volunteer my time.  I’ve quite playing music, which I ache to have back.  I’m past the point where I have to make excuses to friends, because most of them have stopped calling, and they get tired of me always getting fall-down trashed when we go out or having to leave two hours into the evening.  The ones who know get offended when I use in public.  I’ve gotten myself into a lot of dangerous and stupid situations, because I forfeit all control when I’m high.  I never feel lonely with drugs, but sometimes I realize how much I miss what I used to have.  I survived this semester, but I didn’t learn very much, because it was a blur.  I’ve screwed up so badly at work that I don’t know where to begin fixing things.

Reasons to keep using…?  Fuck dependence and withdrawal.  I want to be free of that cycle.  It’s Sunday.  I’m going to finish up the rest of my schoolwork today so that I just have to show up to turn my work in, and by Tuesday I’ll be done with school.  By Thursday when I go to counseling, I will hopefully be on the tail end of being sick.  I can generally get clean on my own if I really try, but I can never maintain it.  I hope counseling will help.  I’m resolved to get on methadone if I relapse, but for now, I’m going to try to save the $70 per week and put it toward counseling and groceries.

Anyway…thanks to all who have been such a support here.  Your encouragement has made all the difference in helping me to feel ready.

12 Comments

Filed under Drugs, My Life