My heart breaks for him at times. He has been through the mire and survived to tell about it. He rarely talks about it…but for some reason, he chose to trust me years ago and open up. Maybe it was because I wasn’t sober at the time and he thought I wouldn’t remember; but I did, and he continued to be open to me. It created a unique bond of trust that has never broken completely, no matter how many times it’s been tested. His childhood was a nightmare, and I know it’s affected every decision he’s ever made, but he made it through and doesn’t look back all that often. He’s hurt me immensely, but the times he’s been there for me are more touching and sweet than words can convey. He is a cultural relativist to a fault, which spills over into refusing to blame his parents for his flaws, and refusing to blame me for mine. If he were in charge of the world, we would all be doomed.
The first time I met him, I thought I was in love. I didn’t know God could make people as extraordinary as him. I spilled over him like water, and I thought I was the luckiest girl on earth to have captured his interest. The second time I was around him, I didn’t stop crying for days. I was really young. I thought I could save him, and I thought he could save me. I think he believed that too. He became my family. I was so vulnerable to him at times that I was sure he would be the death of me. I fought not to fall for him completely and get lost in his existence. I was weak for his eyes, his smell, his laughter, his charm. His balance of intellect and passion was intimidating. His presence was electrifying. I thought there was nothing and no one he couldn’t master. I still believe that. I’m convinced the temperature in a room is always hotter around him.
He has a soft spot for people who are vulnerable, but he can lash out at them too. He made me feel protected, something I had never really felt. It was intoxicating. He became a sort of parent figure. I was young, and I was enraptured. By letting him be my knight in shining armor, I forgot how to protect myself.
I watched him carve out his niche in the world. He focuses all of his efforts on the material. It makes me sad, and I used to try to change his convictions, but he never changes for anyone except himself.
When I needed help, I went to him, and he took me under his wing with sympathy and sincerity. He showed me a path that he warned was dark and dangerous, but I followed him anyway. My life has been reeling since then. He handed me ecstasy. We became entangled again, and this time he broke and cried for me. It was strange to see him vulnerable to me, when I have been vulnerable to him so many times. We have been reckless…I think we both quietly wonder if we will be each other’s downfall. That remains unknown, but we carry on in an ebb and flow of using each other and trying to save each other. He still scrapes me up and puts me to bed sometimes, and I still stroke his back when he has nightmares.
I pray for release. I’ve lost so much, and he’s taken it without apology. I can’t find my way out. After everything, I am still weak to him. Loyalty and debt outweigh reason. Every day I wonder how this will end.
Filed under Drugs, My Life