Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don’t much care where–
The Cat: Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.
Alice –so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you’re sure to do that, if you only walk long enough.
No one will pierce my nape because I’m too skinny. :(
One lucky piercee’s end result:
“I’m gonna try to nullify my life…cause when the blood begins to flow…
And it shoots up the dropper’s neck…when I’m closin’ in on death…
Ah, you can’t help me, not you guys, or all you sweet girls with all your sweet talk…
you can all go take a walk! And I guess I just don’t know.
Heroin…be the death of me…it’s my wife, and it’s my life. Because a mainer to my vein leads to a enter in my head, and then I’m better off and dead….”
Someone forwarded this to me a while ago. It’s anonymous, so no source credited (sorry), and it is in no way meant to cause offense. Lord knows that in my marriage, I am the one who needs enrolling in most of these classes.
CLASSES FOR MEN
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation.
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper.
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of expert Judges.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other — help line and support groups.
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming — open forum.
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play.
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did.
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation and follow-up discussion.
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Lecture and role playing.
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation, and breathing techniques.
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your Blackberry to class.
GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG SOMETIMES
Individual counselors available.
I was just with my friend from way down south. We were at a restaurant, and we both wanted tea. I’m from Colorado, so I ordered iced tea, knowing I would get exactly that…plain tea over ice.
Not my friend. If she wants plain iced tea, she orders “unsweet tea” (temperature unspecified), only it sounds more like “on-suweyt tay.” Otherwise, she thinks she will will get tea loaded with sugar, as this is apparently the way tea is served in the South. This was how the conversation went:
Friend: “Unsweet tea, please.”
Waiter (after a momentary blank stare): “You mean iced tea?”
Friend: “Yes, but I don’t want any sugar in it.”
Waiter: “Um, okay, well, we don’t put sugar in it. You can do that yourself if you want; there’s sugar on the table.”
I wish I were from the South. Regardless of how my friend orders her tea, she is far more polite, magnanimous, and socially polished than I could ever hope to be. She is a modern-day Scarlett O’Hara.