Piss Off, Dreams!

I have this exceedingly annoying habit of dreaming in vivid detail about things I need to finish or take care of, then I wake up thinking they’re done.  Whereas the unresolved circumstance may have been screaming bloody murder in the back of my mind all day, week, or month prior, I dream about it and wake up with a feeling of reslution and completion.  The feeling doesn’t fade, like lingering feelings usually do after a dream.  The result is that I go around subconsciously content that my affairs are in order, which deters me from consciously thinking about them, and I’m blissfully happy until the unresolved matter comes crashing down on my head.  This happens to me all the time.  It has to be one of the most annoying habits ever.

Mainline Overboard

Things have to change.  I’m running out of options.  I’m exhausted.  I’m on the verge of losing my job, and I’m not exactly in a good place to get hired again.  If I lose my job, I can’t see how anything will ever be okay again.  I’m slipping fast at the moment, and this slump seems impossible to surface from.  It’s not as bad as at times in the past, but the difference is that my ability to handle it seems shot.  Lately I feel so empty.  I’m not sad or unhappy; just rundown.  Things are spiraling out of control, and I know I will only get so many close calls and second chances before that well runs dry.  I’m fucking up.

I need to get a grip.  Set a goal, or something.  Maybe by the end of October.  It really sucks doing this on my own, but I got myself here on my own, so tough.  Last time I tried to set a goal, it practically did me in.  I was given the biggest second chance anyone can be given.  If I fuck that up, I am inexcusably worthless and terrible.

I am tired.  I desperately want to change.  I’m not giving up hope that I will be able to.